The Hardest Thing
by Trella
Summary: A girl for the world...what is right? What is just?


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**Distribution:** Anywhere – I'll say yes, just ask first.

**Disclaimer:** Surprise – the BtVS world doesn't belong to me! Or else Riley probably never would have existed, the middle of season 6 would have been actual writing instead of just soft-core porn, and the series would have gone on forever and ever and ever. And Angel sure as _hell_ wouldn't have ended where it did. Erm…the point is, it belongs to Joss Whedon and the (sometimes) geniuses at Mutant Enemy. Ave Joss, the bastard.

**Summary:** What if Buffy's gift wasn't the key?

**Rating:** PG-13

**Classification:** Angst

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"_Be Strong. Live. For me._" 

A million volts of current. A billion. A trillion, even. She didn't know, maybe mystical portals didn't even have currents. All she knew was that her head hurt and she couldn't walk and Buffy had jumped a long way to save the world.

Only she hadn't. Saved the world, that is. The jumping part had definitely been taken care of.

Spike was crying and trying not to be allergic to sunlight and Tara looked like she had her brain back, although she did look like she might lose her stomach and Dawn was still bleeding and clutching her sides.

And Giles. He was the only one who dared come close to Bu- the body. Where suddenly there _was_ no more Buffy.

Xander…for all his hiding behind the slayer, he had come through the most in the fight. She couldn't bear to turn her head and look at him. She didn't think she'd be able to stand it. That, and her neck really, really hurt.

But there were more important things to worry about and she wondered frantically why no one was doing anything. The damn portal was still open and no one else had even noticed. Or maybe they just didn't care. Either way, she had to say _something_.

"Xander." Her voice caught in her throat.

She tried again, louder. "Xander."

He was staring and not saying anything. Trying not to fall, she struggled to get her feet onto the ground. Everything was moving so slowly…slow, slow, and the world was freaking _ending_.

"_Xander_!" She stumbled and had to lean against him. Finally, he looked at her, dazed and with a rage she only saw when he talked about his parents. Especially his stupid drunk of a father that reminded her vaguely of Olaf. Wait. This wasn't the time to think about that. Focus! Why couldn't she focus?

He still looked angry. "Xander." She swallowed, her throat full of ash. "Xander, the portal is still open." He started, as if he was trying to form a thought but couldn't find the energy or the sanity to do so.

Giles' head snapped back and up. So they hadn't noticed yet. Not that it mattered; their world had already ended.

But there was still unfinished business, and if it wasn't finished really soon, the world would go all melty with other dimensions like…wax, or something. She couldn't believe that out of all of the stupid Scoobies, she was the only one who actually processed that. She thought she saw a shimmer…the fabric of reality was ripping.

And still, everyone stood and stared. The walls of the world were collapsing and no one would even move. The strangest part was…she wasn't panicking. Or skedaddling. Or having inappropriately timed sex. She knew just what to do and it was like she was outside of herself. It was strange, as if she were dreaming. Her legs were heavy.

Dawn…there she was. Inert, sobbing, and _still_ clutching her sides. She felt mildly annoyed. Why couldn't Dawn have just jumped off and saved the world a lot of trouble? Now Buffy was gone and everyone was practically catatonic and the portal wasn't even closed.

She knew that if Xander or Willow had heard her, she'd get horrified, disgusted looks, but with a hint of, "_Well, she's barely human. Let her say the cruel, cold things of reality that everyone else is too scared to say. That way, we can stare and roll our eyes and yell and avoid saying the truth ourselves_."

Well, she knew what she had to do. She loved Dawnie, she did, but Giles was right. She wasn't even real.

_But she's real to Xander and to the rest of them and even to you_.

She shook her head and walked resolutely toward the shaking girl. Xander was not going to die because of some ball of energy. Even if he were going to be a mess, with bottles and bottles he would never think to touch if he were thinking straight, at least he would still be alive. They all would…except for Dawn. But…that was okay, wasn't it? It wasn't as if she were even real…oh God. She was going to kill a teenaged girl. She had been a demon for a thousand years and she hadn't ever regretted anything that she had done…and now, she couldn't even kill a whiny teenager who wasn't even human.

The air shimmered again, only this time the earth was shaking. Splitting, even. More creepy crawlies flying through the air and _still_, no one was moving and she was standing still and lost in her thoughts! What was wrong with the world? Well, besides the fact that it was about to tear and bleed…

No. That couldn't happen. She sure as hell wasn't the spokesperson for Saving Souls 'R Us, but this had to be done. Humanity was too important to end. Or maybe she had just grown to like it too much.

She picked up her legs higher, ignoring the leaden feeling that she had thought was only a stupid cliché in dumb books. And all too soon, she was in front of Dawn. The girl didn't even notice she was standing there.

She gulped, hard. How best to do it? No stabbing, it would take too long, and she didn't have any pointy objects. And besides…that hurt. Dawn deserved a quick death, at least. It wasn't her fault that she was a shiny bauble of greenness. Maybe kind of like her lost pendant.

"Dawn."

Talking! Why was she talking? _Just _do it, her head screamed. But her brain didn't seem to be connected to her mouth anymore.

"Dawn…you have to go."

There was a momentary panic and rage as the girl finally looked at her…and then nothing. Just a hollow resignation that scared Anya more than anything in the world. Those eyes would haunt her until the end of time. Which would be now, if she didn't hurry up.

Her neck. She would snap her neck. No one was even watching…they were just staring at the sky or at the body, dumbstruck. It wasn't like them. But that's probably how she would be if Xander had jumped like a moron right in front of her face and she couldn't do anything about it.

But she could do something now. Stop the energy, and all would be fine. She would just be putting it back…and ripping a hole in everyone's lives. Including her own. How could she? How could she _not_? It was just energy. She kept telling herself that…just energy.

So this was what it was to be Buffy. To be human. Only Buffy would never, in a million years, kill Dawn. Or…or maybe Buffy had jumped so she didn't have to.

In which case the ones standing were left with the burden.

Humanity. She didn't like it. At all. She had thought Joyce was the bottom, the very most painful, stupid part of life…but this was worse. Far, far worse and she had a functional soul and a human – a _man_ – whom she loved whom she would have to answer to…

But this had to be done.

Her eyes were wet. Tears. Stupid human tears. She could scream. If only she could find her voice.

"Dawnie…" That mouth again. She realized this was what it was, observing herself say things without control as she usually did. And yet she went on.

"You…make a very pretty little girl." She felt stupid. What could she say to someone she was about to kill?

She wondered fleetingly if the key had a soul. And if it did, would it go away when Dawn died? Would she be obliterated forever, as if she had never existed?

"I'll miss you. We all will. And…we love you." All she saw were those eyes, those terrible eyes…and a spark of something else.

Relief.

After all, this was the easy way out, even for a little girl. A child much too old for her age.

She put her hand on Dawnie – _Dawn. Just a girl. A girl for the world. A girl for Xander._

_No. Not a girl. The key. Just the key._ – almost caressing her hair.

Twist. A crack, a simple neck snap, and it was all over. There was a flash of green, the most beautiful green she had ever seen in her life…

The portal dissolved as if it had never been there. As if it hadn't taken the lives of two women- children, really. One a slayer, the other a ball of energy, both tremendously loved.

It was gone without a trace, except for the wreck it left behind. And suddenly, the slow motion went away and everything was much too hard, too cold, and _ow_, her neck hurt and her head hurt and her eyes were still leaking and swollen…

And then the screaming began.

"Anya!"

She turned, trying not to throw up her stomach. There was Xander and Willow and Tara and Giles and Spike. Finally awake. The not-end of the world had apparently snapped them out of it. Or maybe it had been Dawn's neck…the crack had been so loud.

Xander was yelling, crying, not making any sense. No one was. He was babbling and Tara just stood there, staring, like she had been a moment ago. And Spike was still sobbing and crouching and suddenly she was very, very glad Spike couldn't touch her. She would have been dead before she had even known he was there. Like Dawnie…

Giles said nothing. He looked almost…relieved. Like Dawn. And she knew that he, at least, understood.

"Anya, what did you do, what the _hell _did you do? How…Anya…" The look on Xander's face was far beyond his look at prom, when she had gone on about vengeance, far beyond the times she always said the wrong thing at the wrong time, when she talked to loudly about sex...far beyond even when he thought about that terrible basement. This was different. Absolute horror, and she had never hurt so much in her entire existence. It wasn't fair. She had done the right thing, she knew. There was no other way.

And yet, looking at Xander, none of that mattered. She couldn't look at him anymore, she couldn't bear his eyes…

She collapsed.

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A/N: I don't know why this happened, it just did. A bunch of years after _The Gift_ actually aired, this kind of hit me. Only I didn't expect Anya to be the one…I had originally planned it to be Angel, but this just happened. Maybe I'll just write a bunch of vignettes starring different characters that have to do the unthinkable…but I don't know. Ideas, anyone? Gracias. 


End file.
